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Saturday, June 17, 2017

You Always Hurt the Ones You Love (or, The Receiving Line Forms to the Left)

1) How hard?

2) Slap? For $1 Million? 

What do I get for a good solid punch?

3) Which part of the body?

4) What do I get for a poke? Rat tail? Tickling? 

Do I get a bonus if they wet themselves while being tickled?

5) Do I have to share the $1 Million with them?

6) Do they get to reciprocate?

7) Do I get less money if they enjoy it?

8) May I use... a herring?

9) Can I put it on YouTube and make money from advertising?

10) Only if I can kiss it and make it better afterwards.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Top Ten Reasons to Wear a Turtleneck Top

Top Ten reasons to wear a turtle neck:

10. Your Nehru jacket is being dry-cleaned.
9. To hide your tattoo sleeves when being interviewed for a teaching position involving impressionable youngsters.

8. To hide the hickeys on your neck, arms, shoulders, and more embarrassing areas.

7. Because they are almost as sexy as cashmere sweaters (sexier if it's an actual dress), more form fitting, and easier to wash.

6. Because, in cold weather, you can unroll the neck and use it as a muffler.

5. It's a utilitarian piece of clothing, suitable for fancy dress as well as casual.

4. They come in a variety of colors and textures. If that's too boring, they can be tie-dyed and still look cool.

3. Because it's fun to tell non-Aussies you like wearing skivvies in public! But not with thongs.

2. Add glasses to a black turtleneck, and people will think you are intelligent, and invite you on talk shows.

1. Pair a black turtleneck with black trousers, and you're an art student, a stagehand, a cat burglar, a beat poet, Steve Jobs, Audrey Hepburn...

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Reaction Shots: Alien Abduction Bug Caused Male Pregnancies Among Men Who WooHoo-ed With Aliens In The Sims 4

Alien Abduction Bug Caused Male Pregnancies Among Men Who WooHoo-ed With Aliens In The Sims 4

Apparently, the Get to Work expansion contained a bug that started a more than usual amount of alien abductions. Alien abduction is an intentional feature, but they weren’t supposed to start happening all over the place. Once that started, male Sims suddenly started getting pregnant right and left, through no control from the players. What’s intriguing is that a lot of players thought this was really cool! Apparently, there’s already a male pregnancy mod for The Sims 4; but suddenly, lots of people with male Sims wanted to get them knocked up! Even other Sims players in other games wanted to get in on the action, wondering why their male Sims couldn’t get pregnant.
[Via Kotaku.
1. Bacchanalia, or Bonk-An-Alien?

2. When you WooHoo with a WhatzIt, you should expect to be expecting.

3. [Insert anal probe joke here.]    }]

4. So... what's the delivery like?

5. The baby has your eyes, and the alien's mandibles.

6. "I should have realized something when she dimmed the lights and played 'Binary Sunset' on the stereo."

7. "I don't think this long distance relationship will work."

8. "I get the strangest cravings..."

9. "If it's a girl, we'll name it 'Edie'. If it's a boy, we'll name it 'Ripley'."

10. "I always wanted a natural childbirth, but this time, I think I'll have a cesarean."

11. Your pregnancy will last about nine months, or 22 years if you're on Saturn. 

12. The blood type of your baby? AB Normal. 

13. "I should have suspected something when the alien looked like a seahorse."

14. "So... this cute curvy green woman dressed as a Martian picks me up at Comic-Con, asking me, 'Can I get directions to Uranus?'"

15. "Maybe I shouldn't have played the theme to Star Trek on my car stereo when we were making out next to the observatory. Next time, Led Zeppelin IV."

16. "Geez... one night of hot passionate sex, and then...nothing. No phone calls, no text messages. Nothing."

17. "Everytime I see Doctor Who's sonic screwdriver, I have flashbacks."

18. First symptom: Twilight sickness.

19. "No, the baby isn't kicking, but every so often, it mindmelds with me."

20. HIja', 'oH maw' 'ach tlhIngan nga'chuq reH Daghaj vISov ghegh tender 'ej SeQ!

Monday, May 1, 2017

Reaction Shots: Dog Kit

1. Do NOT attempt this yoga pose.

2. Ikea's new line of household pets, Løbo

3. I wonder what he's dreaming about. 

4. "Man! That was an awesome fireworks display! Hey, where's Rex?" 

5. The Thing cosplay. 

6. I will name him Collagen, and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him... 

7.The kids wanted a dog for Christmas, but I waited until Christmas Eve before assembling. 

8. I wanted to call him "Wrecks", but my girlfriend suggested "Stay". 

9. Oops! The DNA is supposed to spiral to the RIGHT. 

10. Honey! I told you that dog kennel was too small!

11. When you feed your dog too much protein.

Friday, April 14, 2017

#ForgottenTVLyrics: Uncut Songs

This list contains TV themes which either did not broadcast the lyrics (like "Star Trek") or cut stanzas (like "Cheers"). 

  1. Alice ["There's a New Girl in Town"]
  2. All in the Family
    • Full lyrics
    • A satirical version, aimed at the FCC!
    • All In The Family [closing theme]
    • All In The Family [closing theme with lyrics!]
  3. American Bandstand
  4. The Andy Griffith Show
  5. Angie ["Different Worlds"]
  6. Baretta (Keep Your Eye on the Sparrow)
  7. Beverly Hillbillies [The full music has a third stanza about Drysdale]
  8. Bewitched
  9. The Big Bang Theory
  10. Bonanza
  11. Buck Rogers in the 25th Century
  12. The Carol Burnett Show
  13. Cheers
    • My Kind of People
    • Another Day
    • original demo
    • Final Version
    • Prost, Helmut! [The German version]
    • Cheers (Versión española)

  14. Chico and the Man
  15. Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers
  16. Combat!
  17. Davy Crockett
  18. DC Superhero Girls
  19. The Dick Van Dyke Show
  20. Diff'rent Strokes
  21. Dr. Kildare
  22. Duck Tales
  23. The Dukes of Hazzard
  24. Ellen [Texas - So Called Friend]
  25. The Facts of Life
  26. The Fall Guy
  27. Family Guy
  28. Family Matters ["As days go by" - Jesse Frederick
  29. Family Ties ["Without Us"]
  30. Fireball XL5
  31. Flo
  32. Frasier ["Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs"]
  33. Full House
  34. Fuller House [Everywhere You Look - Carly Rae Jepsen]
  35. Futurama
  36. Gidget [Johnny Tillotson - (Wait 'Til You See) My Gidget]
  37. The Greatest American Hero
  38. Disney's Gummi Bears
  39. Gunsmoke
  40. Happy Days [alternate lyrics]
  41. Have Gun Will Travel
  42. Hawaii Five-0
  43. You can watch a documentary on the creation here!
  44. The Hogan Family [Roberta Flack - Together Through The Years]
  45. Hogan's Heroes
  46. I Dream of Jeannie
  47. I Love Lucy
  48. Joannie Loves Chachi
  49. Kim Possible
  50. Leave It To Beaver (The Toy Parade)
  51. The Love Boat
  52. Looney Tunes ["The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down"]
  53. Mad About You ["Final Frontier"]
  54. Makin' It
  55. Malcolm in the Middle
  56. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. [I need a source!]
  58. Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman
  59. The Mary Tyler Moore Show

    • First Season
    • Second Season
    • Joan Jett version, all three stanzas, third stanza rewritten
  60. M*A*S*H
  61. Maude
  62. Merrie Melodies [Merrily We Roll Along [I need a source!]
    LT116: Billboard Frolics by dannyjmurray1 The first appearance in a Warner Brothers cartoon. Are these the original lyrics?
  64. Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug & Cat Noir
  65. Mr. Belvedere
  66. The Monkees
  67. Moonlighting
  68. Mork & Mindy [I need a source!]
  69. The Munsters
  70. My Favorite Martian [Are the words legit? Or added later?]
  71. My Living Doll [colorized, legitimate lyrics?]
  72. The Odd Couple
  73. \
  74. One Foot in the Grave
  75. One Saturday Morning
  76. Pee-wee's Playhouse
  77. Perfect Strangers
  78. Petticoat Junction
  79. Phineas and Ferb ["Today Is Gonna Be a Great Day"]
  80. Popeye
  81. Punky Brewster ["Every Time I Turn Around"]
  82. Rawhide
  83. Red Dwarf
  84. Silver Spoons ["Together"]
  85. Square Pegs
  86. Star Trek
  87. Stephen Universe
  88. TaleSpin
  89. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
    • Original theme (1987-1996)
  90. To Tell The Truth
  91. Welcome Back Kotter
  92. Who's The Boss? ["Brand New Life"]
  93. WKRP in Cincinnati
  94. Wonder Woman

Thursday, March 2, 2017

How I Maintain My Boyish Good Looks

1) A magical Polaroid photo is kept in a safe deposit box somewhere in the State of Iowa.

2) I slumber in a giant Tupperware container each night.

3) I use a special facial creme made of baby oil. (To answer your question: it takes four to make one ounce of oil.)

4) I found this cool meteorite/jewel on my grandfather's farm. I noticed something strange when the cows who licked it didn't age...

5) You know that Lazarus Pit? I have something similar, but it's a hot tub in the mountains, and requires a full moon, a meteor shower, a willing partner, and a bottle of champagne. (The champagne is optional.)

6) I have a twin who travels reallly slow
llllly through space in a Schrödinger box. I don't know if he's alive or dead, and he doesn't know if I'm alive or dead.

7) It's quite simple... you just need a particle accelerator, rubber bands, and a liquid lunch.

8) I have this ring... it's really cool, but I can only wear it once a year, for only a few minutes.

9) I once spent the night with a Japanese mermaid. I solved the Mermaid Problem for her, and she was quite grateful. (Ever since, I've had this thing for pickled ginger and sushi...)

10) There's this ritual involving the Konami Code...

11) I've mastered every cell of my body. As each cell stops dividing, it's replaced with a cancer cell, kept under strict control.

12) My soul jar is currently a plastic bag floating in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Eventually, it will be reduced to plastic dust particles which will be dispersed by ocean currents, making it very impervious to total destruction.

13) One word: "responsometer".

The exploded view of the blivet, which holds the FischerGriess compensator. 

14) I keep myself perpetually youthful by drinking the crushed spirits of frustrated gamers.

15) It's quite easy...just find a menstruating dragon.