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Thursday, March 2, 2017

How I Maintain My Boyish Good Looks


1) A magical Polaroid photo is kept in a safe deposit box somewhere in the State of Iowa.

2) I slumber in a giant Tupperware container each night.


3) I use a special facial creme made of baby oil. (To answer your question: it takes four to make one ounce of oil.)


4) I found this cool meteorite/jewel on my grandfather's farm. I noticed something strange when the cows who licked it didn't age...


5) You know that Lazarus Pit? I have something similar, but it's a hot tub in the mountains, and requires a full moon, a meteor shower, a willing partner, and a bottle of champagne. (The champagne is optional.)


6) I have a twin who travels reallly slow
llllly through space in a Schrödinger box. I don't know if he's alive or dead, and he doesn't know if I'm alive or dead.


7) It's quite simple... you just need a particle accelerator, rubber bands, and a liquid lunch.


8) I have this ring... it's really cool, but I can only wear it once a year, for only a few minutes.


9) I once spent the night with a Japanese mermaid. I solved the Mermaid Problem for her, and she was quite grateful. (Ever since, I've had this thing for pickled ginger and sushi...)


10) There's this ritual involving the Konami Code...


11) I've mastered every cell of my body. As each cell stops dividing, it's replaced with a cancer cell, kept under strict control.

12) My soul jar is currently a plastic bag floating in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Eventually, it will be reduced to plastic dust particles which will be dispersed by ocean currents, making it very impervious to total destruction.

13) One word: "responsometer".

The exploded view of the blivet, which holds the FischerGriess compensator. 

14) I keep myself perpetually youthful by drinking the crushed spirits of frustrated gamers.

15) It's quite easy...just find a menstruating dragon.


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

#ForgottenTVLyrics: The Master List



The list (so far):
  1. The A*Team [full theme]
  2. Alfred Hitchcock Presents [Charles Gounod - Funeral March of a Marionette]
  3. Alice ["There's a New Girl in Town"]
  4. All in the Family
    • Full lyrics
    • A satirical version, aimed at the FCC!
    • All In The Family [closing theme]
    • All In The Family [closing theme with lyrics!]
  5. American Bandstand
  6. The Andy Griffith Show
  7. Angie ["Different Worlds"]
  8. Batman
  9. Baretta (Keep Your Eye on the Sparrow)
  10. Barnaby Jones
  11. Baywatch
    • Original theme ["Save Me" - Peter Cetera]
    • Syndication ["I'm Always Here"- Jimi Jamison]
    • Baywatch Hawaii "Let Me Be the One" written and performed by Carlos Villalobos, Glenn Medeiros and sung by Fiji.
    • Baywatch Nights [Alfonzo Blackwell - The Nights Will Never Be the Same]
  12. Beverly Hillbillies [The full music has a third stanza about Drysdale]
  13. Beverly Hills 90210
  14. Bewitched
  15. The Big Bang Theory
  16. The Bill Cosby Show ["Hikky Burr"]
  17. Bonanza
  18. Buck Rogers in the 25th Century
  19. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
  20. Candid Camera (UK)
  21. Charlie's Angels####
  22. Charmed [Love Spit Love - "How Soon is Now"]
  23. Checkmate
  24. Cheers
    • My Kind of People
    • Another Day
    • original demo
    • Final Version
    • Prost, Helmut! [The German version]
    • Cheers (Versión española)
  25. Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers
  26. CHiPS [theme only, but a rockin' 12" version]
  27. The Cosby Show [Seven different versions]
  28. Dallas
  29. Davy Crockett
  30. The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd [full theme?]
  31. DC Superhero Girls
  32. The Dick Van Dyke Show
  33. Diff'rent Strokes
  34. Dr. Kildare
  35. Duck Tales 
  36. The Dukes of Hazzard
  37. Dynasty
  38. The Facts of Life
  39. The Fall Guy
  40. Family Feud
  41. Family Matters ["As days go by" - Jesse Frederick
  42. Family Ties ["Without Us"]
  43. Fawlty Towers
  44. Fireball XL5
  45. Flo
  46. Frasier ["Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs"]
  47. Friends [The Rembrandts - I'll Be There For You ]
  48. The Fugitive
  49. Full House
  50. Fuller House [Everywhere You Look - Carly Rae Jepsen]
  51. Funny Face / The Sandy Duncan Show [Need a source!]
  52. https://www.discogs.com/Jack-Jones-The-Kind-Of-Girl-She-Is/release/6913129
  53. Futurama
  54. Gidget [Johnny Tillotson - (Wait 'Til You See) My Gidget]
  55. Gilmore Girls [Carole King - "Where You Lead"]
  56. Good Times  https://www.discogs.com/Prime-Time-Good-Times-Theme/release/2156410 4:14 version ####
  57. The Golden Girls
  58. The Greatest American Hero
  59. Disney's Gummi Bears
  60. Gunsmoke
  61. Happy Days [alternate lyrics]
  62. Have Gun Will Travel
  63. Hawaii Five-0
  64. HBO 1983 Intro
    You can watch a documentary on the creation here!
  1. Here Come the Brides ["Seattle" by Bobby Sherman]
  2. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy [The Eagles - Journey of the Sorcerer]
  3. The Hogan Family [Roberta Flack - Together Through The Years]
  4. Hogan's Heroes
  5. The Honeymooners ["You're My Greatest Love"]
  6. Hotel
  7. House
    • "Teardrop" by Massive Attack (U.S.)
    • "House" by Scott Donaldson and Richard Nolan (Europe)
    • "House, M.D. Main Theme" by Jon Ehrlich and Leigh Roberts (Singapore and Netflix) ####
  8. I Dream of Jeannie
  9. I Love Lucy
  10. I Spy
  11. It Takes A Thief
  12. Jeopardy!
    • 1964-1975 "Take Ten" by Julann Griffin ####
    • 1984-1991
    • 1991-1997
    • 1997-2001
    • 2001-2008
    • 2008-Present
  13. Joannie Loves Chachi
  14. The Joker's Wild
  15. Kim Possible
  16. Knot's Landing ###
  17. Kojak
  18. Land of the Giants
  19. Laverne & Shirley (Making Our Dreams Come True)
  20. The Lawrence Welk Show
  21. Leave It To Beaver (The Toy Parade)
  22. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
  23. http://www.classicthemes.com/50sTVThemes/themePages/lifestylesRichFamous.html
  24. Living Dolls [Who's The Boss spin-off]
  25. The Love Boat
  26. Looney Tunes ["The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down"]
  27. Lost In Space
  28. M Squad [Count Bassie!]
  29. The Magician
  30. Makin' It
  31. Malcolm in the Middle
  32. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. [I need a source!]
  33. http://markssuperblog.blogspot.com/2012/04/man-from-uncle-theme-has-lyrics.html
  34. Mannix
  35. Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman
  36. The Mary Tyler Moore Show
    • First Season
    • Second Season
    • Joan Jett version, all three stanzas, third stanza rewritten
  37. M*A*S*H
  38. Masterpiece Theater [Rondeau from Sinfonies de Fanfares - Suite de Symphonies - Jean-Joseph Mouret]
  39. Maude
  40. Merrie Melodies [Merrily We Roll Along [I need a source!]
  41. https://www.discogs.com/Bugs-Bunny-With-Mitch-Miller-His-Orchestra-Merrily-We-Roll-Along-I-Taut-I-Taw-A-Puddy-Tat/release/2834101
    LT116: Billboard Frolics by dannyjmurray1 The first appearance in a Warner Brothers cartoon. Are these the original lyrics?
  42. Miami Vice
  43. Mission: Impossible
  44. Mr. Belvedere
  45. Mister Lucky
  46. The Mod Squad [cover]
  47. The Monkees
  48. Moonlighting
  49. The Munsters
  50. My Favorite Martian [Are the words legit? Or added later?]
  51. My Living Doll [colorized, legitimate lyrics?]
  52. The Naked City
    • "This is the Naked City" by George Duning (1958-59)
    • --
    • "Somewhere in the Night" by Billy May (1960-62)
    • "The {New} Naked City Theme" by Nelson Riddle (1962-63)
  53. Name of the Game
  54. NBC Mystery Movie
  55. NBC Nightly News [John Williams - "The Mission"]
  56. NCIS
  57. Newhart###
  58. The Odd Couple
  59. One Life To Live [1984-1991, Peabo Bryson]
  60. One Life to Live ["Brand New Start"]
  61. One Saturday Morning
  62. Peter Gunn 
    • Original theme
    • ["Bye-Bye", lyrics added later]
  63. Perfect Strangers
  64. Petticoat Junction
  65. Phineas and Ferb ["Today Is Gonna Be a Great Day"]
  66. Playboy After Dark ["Playboy's Theme"]
  67. Punky Brewster ["Every Time I Turn Around"]
  68. Rawhide
  69. Red Dwarf
  70. Remington Steele
  71. The Rockford Files
  72. Route 66
    • original theme
    • Lyrics added later
  73. St. Elsewhere
  74. Sanford & Son ["The Streetbeater"]
  75. Sesamstrasse [German]
    • Opening
    • Closing [One of my fave beats! Those horns!]
  76. Sesame Street
    • Opening
    • Closing
    • ...and the "funky chimes"!
  77. Silver Spoons ["Together"]
  78. The Sopranos [Alabama 3 - Woke Up This Morning (Chosen One)]
  79. Space 1999
  80. Square Pegs
  81. Star Trek
  82. Star Trek: The Next Generation [originally from "Star Trek: The Motion Picture"]
  83. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
  84. Star Trek: Voyager
  85. Star Trek: Enterprise
  86. The Streets of San Francisco
  87. Stephen Universe
  88. S.W.A.T.
  89. TaleSpin
  90. Taxi ["Angela"]
  91. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
    • Original theme (1987-1996)
    • 2003-2009
    • 2012-present
  92. That 70s Show [Big Star - In the Street 1972]
  93. Tic Tac Dough
  94. The Time Tunnel
  95. To Tell The Truth
  96. The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson
    • Toot Sweet
    • It's Really Love
    • Johnny's Theme
  97. 21 Jump Street
  98. The Waltons
  99. Welcome Back Kotter
  100. What's Happening!!
  101. Wheel of Fortune Theme 1975-1983
  102. Who's The Boss? ["Brand New Life"]
  103. The Wizard of Odds
  104. WKRP in Cincinnati
  105. Wonder Woman


  • Ironsides [theme only]
  • The Untouchables [theme only]


  • The Rogues [the previous four are by Nelson Riddle]


  • Tic Tac Dough (1990 version)

  • Ripley's Believe It or Not [All by Henry Mancini]
  • Game Shows!  https://www.discogs.com/Various-Classic-TV-Game-Show-Themes/release/487454
  • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pete_Rugolo#Film_and_TV_Scores
  • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Conti#Other_film_and_television_credits
  • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerrold_Immel
  • John Williams (NBC News, Olympics, Amazing Stories)
  • https://www.discogs.com/Prime-Time-Good-Times-Theme/release/624111 disco versions of Good Times and Soul Train?
  • https://www.discogs.com/Prime-Time-Motown-Presents-Prime-Time-Performing-TV-Themes-The-Way-You-Like-To-Hear-Them/release/1677555

  • John Williams
  • NBC Sunday Night Football[5]
  • Amazing Stories
  • Checkmate (TV series)
  • Land of the Giants
  • Lost in Space
  • The Time Tunnel
  • The Tammy Grimes Show[6]
  • The theme for Great Performances

  • John w


Saturday, February 6, 2016

Boldly Go...!


Someone on Facebook posted the original image, and wondered if Riker were butt-dialing the Enterprise's computers.

Then, while I was searching for geeky pickup lines for next week, I found this phrase.

A quick trip to imgflip, a few minutes, and voila!
Posted to Facebook!

I don't claim any copyright, just reshare my page!

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

A Song In My Heart, or, I Love To Singa!



Today, November 10, is Carl Stalling's birthday. Stalling is best known as the composer of the classic Warner Brothers cartoons from the 1940s and 1950s.

A pioneer in film music (he scored early Mickey Mouse cartoons), Stalling created lush soundtracks for animation. Many WB shorts were music videos, featuring songs from Warner features, which encouraged viewers to then purchase the sheet music for home use.

There are two techniques Stalling used: the literal and the figural. The literal?  A woman is seen in a red dress, and we hear a quick snippet of "The Lady In Red". The figural? We see the camera pan across a pastoral forest scene, and hear "Peer Gynt".

So, why do I mention this? Because, every day, I live a life affected by what I call "Stalling's Syndrome." I create, usually subconsciously, a soundtrack to my existence. Sometime's, it's a visual cue, like rushing to catch a bus, and I'll think of the Simpsons theme (based on the scene where Bart skateboards, swipes the bus stop sign, the bus drives by the waiting passengers, and the passengers then chase the bus).

Or I'll whistle, hum, or skat an instrumental marching tune while walking down the street. Or I'll be reminded of a movie song, and recreate it in my mind. (For example, Central Park = Hair.)

How did this happen to me? When I was in the Fourth Grade, in 1979, two related events occurred. The local NBC affiliate began showing old Warner Brothers cartoons at 3 PM. At 3:30, the local ABC channel would show old MGM cartoons. At about the same time, my oldest brother began working at two local public radio stations. Whenever he would record the local symphony or opera, my mother and I would tag along, listening from the recording booth located up in the old projectionist's booth of the renovated movie palace. At intermission, we would sneak down to an empty seat and enjoy the remainder of the performance like normal people.



So, at a young age, I was exposed to a variety of music. Mother would often play Broadway soundtracks while my siblings and I helped clean house. Three older brothers also influenced my musical experience, as well as a "pirate" radio station which later transitioned to cable radio. (Remember when stereo television was a big deal? Cox Cable had a gizmo where unused frequencies on your stereo would be utilized for stereo signals from specific premium channels like HBO. Later, I figured out how to run the VCR's sound through the stereo, to make TV mixtapes.)


Cable television also expanded the width of the music spectrum. There was MTV, but also BET and Night Flight. During high school, I would tune to the local NPR station to listen to "Piano Jazz" or one of the the other music programs during that drive time.


Of course, thanks to my brother, I was also somewhat addicted to Dr. Demento. We made basement tapes, memorized lyrics, and laughed our asses off! (American Top 40 was what the normal kids listened to. Not us!)

Also, because of the Looney Tunes cartoons, I developed an exposure to American Standards/Hit Parade songs. Sinatra, Crosby, Cantor, Benny (see above)... usually sung by Bugs or Daffy.

Later, I became a karaoke crooner, and expanded my repertoire by frequenting various bars. Of course, whenever something strikes my curiosity, I'm off to YouTube to sample! And then there's my #forgottentvlyrics project, where I research the actual, little used, lyrics to television themes. I also have a fondness for popular music covered by marching bands. (The best?  The Superfriends Theme!  But it's bootleg.)

So, I have accepted my condition. I am careful not to offended others (for some reason, Shortnin' Bread pops into my head on occasion). I try to keep things to myself, although with cellphones and earphones, it's easier to conceal one's propensities!

But... I soon discovered I was not the only one with this syndrome.  One late night, on Letterman, Leslie Nielsen made an appearance. Band leader Paul Schaffer played "Groovin'" by the Young Rascals. Why? Because of the misheard lyric: "That would be ecstasy, you and me and Leslie"! That was when I realized I wasn't alone!

So I post this, for those lone souls out there, who don't know exactly why a particular song pops up in their mindpod. You are not alone. You are not weird for wanting to break into song, to make your life a neverending musical. You can live a productive life! You might not become a bandleader, or radio personality, but your life will never sound dull!

While others might have songs which define their lives, you have a soundtrack of your life, ever changing! Embrace it! And if necessary, imagine yourself at the center of a big Bollywood dance number!

Friday, November 6, 2015

Fiction: Fantastic Fauna and How To Avoid Them: The Peril Squirrel

Der Vorahnhörnchen, or The "Omen Squirrel"

Shot with a filter to avoid the "stare of despair", the photographer required a week of rehabilitation at a local spa to recover.

The Peril Squirrel (Sciurus oraculus), known locally as der Vorahnhörnchen or předpově'verka, is one of the more dangerous vermin found in the crypto-forests of the far woodlands. 

While larger cryptofauna are more lethal physically, this smaller animal is one of the most lethal psychically. As timid as the common squirrel and chipmunks found near polite societies, this species has developed a secondary defensive behaviour: upon eye contact with any animal threat, the peril squirrel creates a direct psychic link with the creature. This link inexplicably presents a dire premonition to the predator, causing it to startle and flee in terror.

How the peril squirrel produces this effect has puzzled natural scientists for centuries. Investigation of S. oraculus carcasses shows no discernable difference between it and other Sciurus species. The emotional state of the squirrel, possibly in combination with blood humors,  might trigger the defensive reaction in the squirrel's brain and nervous system. 

Via surveillance of various nests, it has been witnessed that peril squirrels mate for life. During the mating season, usually in late autumn although this varies by climate, single perils will scout the local vicinity, tracing glandular secretions of individuals of the opposite gender. Upon encountering a possible mate, the individuals will carefully study each other. Sometimes, an individual will quickly break the social contact. Otherwise, the ritual will culminate in both individuals staring deeply, hypnotically into the eyes of the possible mate, which usually results in a pairing. 

Romantics surmise that the pair are staring deep into the soul of each other, although both the actual psychic connection and the more theological hypothesis are both nearly impossible to ascertain. Variants of this romantic notion exist in various agricultural folklores, some with specific tales similar to folktales involving other animals and curses. Many localities host "squirrel dances" for local youth during harvest festivals, with local churches offering a more intimate (but chaperoned) locale for couples engaged in further "soul searching". Romantic squirrel motifs are common at weddings and in homes. Some localities require the local youth to gather acorns as an offering to the "love squirrels". Of course, the true purpose of such organized activities is to encourage socialization away from adult supervision.

Peril squirrels can crossbreed with other squirrels (albeit with great difficulty, as noted above), although progeny do not always attain "the sight". 

Some individuals have hypothesized that peril squirrels can also bestow favorable premonitions if properly encouraged. Domestication of peril squirrels is difficult, due to the defensive mechanism of the animal. There are rumors of such squirrel oracles living deep in the crypto-forests, or traveling randomly, offering fortunes for hire from town to town. Stories have also been told where the oracle bestows a blessing upon a person, then a curse when the customer tries to belittle the premonition. These might be further folktales, told wherever people congregate for hospitality.

Peril squirrels are uncommon among settled lands, and most travelers will seldom venture into the darker forests and woodlands where they might be found. If one finds oneself in such an area, it is wise to consider that any squirrel seen is a peril squirrel, as the more predatory cryptofauna will have eradicated the more common varieties. The traveller's attention will most likely be directed towards the detection and avoidance of more dangerous animals, and thus peril squirrels will be less likely to offer risk to the individual. Some travellers will trap a peril squirrel, to be used as a weapon against more dangerous animals found in the far woodlands, but some cryptofauna can attack with speed and stealth, reducing the effectiveness of this stratagem. 

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Forgotten TV Lyrics: Ironsides

While this is an instrumental, it's the uncut theme to Ironside, so I include it in the "Forgotten TV Lyrics" index.

Besides, it's Quincy Jones, one of the great soundtrack composers of the 20th Century!

If you're looking for a copy, it's available on the Smackwater Jack album!

Here's what Wikipedia has to say about the music on the series:
The opening theme music was written by Quincy Jones and was the first synthesizer-based television theme song, though in 1971, Jones recorded a fuller four-minute band version for the album Smackwater Jack.[3][4] This recording was then edited and used for the opening credits of the fifth through eighth seasons (1971–75). (The entire album track can be heard in the fifth-season episode "Unreasonable Facsimile" as Ironside and team track a suspect on the streets of San Francisco.) In addition to the opening theme music, Quincy Jones composed the entire score for the first eight episodes. Oliver Nelson took over those duties up to the end of the winter to spring 1972 episodes. Nelson was then replaced by Marty Paich for all the episodes from the beginning of the fall of that year up until the last episode that was produced in the spring of 1974. The song "Even When you Cry" with music by Quincy Jones and lyrics by Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman was performed by James Farentino in the episode 'Something for Nothing' while Marcia Strassman had already sung it off-screen in the earlier episode 'The Man Who Believed' both during season 1.
I wonder if that Season One score has been released?

Forgotten TV Lyrics: The Bill Cosby Show: Hicky Burr


"Hicky Burr", the theme to The Bill Cosby Show, words by Bill Cosby, music by Quincy Jones, with vocalization by Bill Cosby.

Many people have forgotten that Quincy Jones wrote a lot of movie soundtracks, as well as many TV themes.  From Wikipedia:
In addition, he composed "The Streetbeater," which became familiar as the theme music for the television sitcom Sanford and Son, starring close friend Redd Foxx; he also composed the themes for other TV shows, including IronsideBanacekThe Bill Cosby Show, the opening episode of Roots, and the Goodson & Todman game show Now You See It.
(I'll get to those eventually...)

This series didn't last long... two seasons. I remember it being on cable, but it never kept my attention...it seemed strange in the way it presented the story.

You can find the song on Quincy Jones' record, Smackwater Jack, which also contains the theme to "Ironside", as well as "Theme from "The Anderson Tapes", a movie which is mostly forgotten, but which has an amazing cast, and a few historical footnotes attached!