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Saturday, June 17, 2017

You Always Hurt the Ones You Love (or, The Receiving Line Forms to the Left)


1) How hard?

2) Slap? For $1 Million? 

What do I get for a good solid punch?

3) Which part of the body?


4) What do I get for a poke? Rat tail? Tickling? 

Do I get a bonus if they wet themselves while being tickled?

5) Do I have to share the $1 Million with them?


6) Do they get to reciprocate?


7) Do I get less money if they enjoy it?


8) May I use... a herring?


9) Can I put it on YouTube and make money from advertising?


10) Only if I can kiss it and make it better afterwards.


Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Top Ten Reasons to Wear a Turtleneck Top

Top Ten reasons to wear a turtle neck:

10. Your Nehru jacket is being dry-cleaned.
9. To hide your tattoo sleeves when being interviewed for a teaching position involving impressionable youngsters.

8. To hide the hickeys on your neck, arms, shoulders, and more embarrassing areas.


7. Because they are almost as sexy as cashmere sweaters (sexier if it's an actual dress), more form fitting, and easier to wash.


6. Because, in cold weather, you can unroll the neck and use it as a muffler.


5. It's a utilitarian piece of clothing, suitable for fancy dress as well as casual.


4. They come in a variety of colors and textures. If that's too boring, they can be tie-dyed and still look cool.


3. Because it's fun to tell non-Aussies you like wearing skivvies in public! But not with thongs.


2. Add glasses to a black turtleneck, and people will think you are intelligent, and invite you on talk shows.


1. Pair a black turtleneck with black trousers, and you're an art student, a stagehand, a cat burglar, a beat poet, Steve Jobs, Audrey Hepburn...

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Reaction Shots: Alien Abduction Bug Caused Male Pregnancies Among Men Who WooHoo-ed With Aliens In The Sims 4

Alien Abduction Bug Caused Male Pregnancies Among Men Who WooHoo-ed With Aliens In The Sims 4

Apparently, the Get to Work expansion contained a bug that started a more than usual amount of alien abductions. Alien abduction is an intentional feature, but they weren’t supposed to start happening all over the place. Once that started, male Sims suddenly started getting pregnant right and left, through no control from the players. What’s intriguing is that a lot of players thought this was really cool! Apparently, there’s already a male pregnancy mod for The Sims 4; but suddenly, lots of people with male Sims wanted to get them knocked up! Even other Sims players in other games wanted to get in on the action, wondering why their male Sims couldn’t get pregnant.
[Via Kotaku.
 
1. Bacchanalia, or Bonk-An-Alien?

2. When you WooHoo with a WhatzIt, you should expect to be expecting.

3. [Insert anal probe joke here.]    }]

4. So... what's the delivery like?

5. The baby has your eyes, and the alien's mandibles.

6. "I should have realized something when she dimmed the lights and played 'Binary Sunset' on the stereo."

7. "I don't think this long distance relationship will work."

8. "I get the strangest cravings..."

9. "If it's a girl, we'll name it 'Edie'. If it's a boy, we'll name it 'Ripley'."

10. "I always wanted a natural childbirth, but this time, I think I'll have a cesarean."

11. Your pregnancy will last about nine months, or 22 years if you're on Saturn. 

12. The blood type of your baby? AB Normal. 

13. "I should have suspected something when the alien looked like a seahorse."

14. "So... this cute curvy green woman dressed as a Martian picks me up at Comic-Con, asking me, 'Can I get directions to Uranus?'"

15. "Maybe I shouldn't have played the theme to Star Trek on my car stereo when we were making out next to the observatory. Next time, Led Zeppelin IV."

16. "Geez... one night of hot passionate sex, and then...nothing. No phone calls, no text messages. Nothing."

17. "Everytime I see Doctor Who's sonic screwdriver, I have flashbacks."

18. First symptom: Twilight sickness.

19. "No, the baby isn't kicking, but every so often, it mindmelds with me."

20. HIja', 'oH maw' 'ach tlhIngan nga'chuq reH Daghaj vISov ghegh tender 'ej SeQ!

Monday, May 1, 2017

Reaction Shots: Dog Kit


1. Do NOT attempt this yoga pose.

2. Ikea's new line of household pets, Løbo

3. I wonder what he's dreaming about. 

4. "Man! That was an awesome fireworks display! Hey, where's Rex?" 

5. The Thing cosplay. 

6. I will name him Collagen, and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him... 

7.The kids wanted a dog for Christmas, but I waited until Christmas Eve before assembling. 

8. I wanted to call him "Wrecks", but my girlfriend suggested "Stay". 

9. Oops! The DNA is supposed to spiral to the RIGHT. 

10. Honey! I told you that dog kennel was too small!

11. When you feed your dog too much protein.

Friday, April 14, 2017

#ForgottenTVLyrics: Uncut Songs


This list contains TV themes which either did not broadcast the lyrics (like "Star Trek") or cut stanzas (like "Cheers"). 

  1. Alice ["There's a New Girl in Town"]
  2. All in the Family
    • Full lyrics
    • A satirical version, aimed at the FCC!
    • All In The Family [closing theme]
    • All In The Family [closing theme with lyrics!]
  3. American Bandstand
  4. The Andy Griffith Show
  5. Angie ["Different Worlds"]
  6. Baretta (Keep Your Eye on the Sparrow)
  7. Beverly Hillbillies [The full music has a third stanza about Drysdale]
  8. Bewitched
  9. The Big Bang Theory
  10. Bonanza
  11. Buck Rogers in the 25th Century
  12. The Carol Burnett Show
  13. Cheers
    • My Kind of People
    • Another Day
    • original demo
    • Final Version
    • Prost, Helmut! [The German version]
    • Cheers (Versión española)

  14. Chico and the Man
  15. Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers
  16. Combat!
  17. Davy Crockett
  18. DC Superhero Girls
  19. The Dick Van Dyke Show
  20. Diff'rent Strokes
  21. Dr. Kildare
  22. Duck Tales
  23. The Dukes of Hazzard
  24. Ellen [Texas - So Called Friend]
  25. The Facts of Life
  26. The Fall Guy
  27. Family Guy
  28. Family Matters ["As days go by" - Jesse Frederick
  29. Family Ties ["Without Us"]
  30. Fireball XL5
  31. Flo
  32. Frasier ["Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs"]
  33. Full House
  34. Fuller House [Everywhere You Look - Carly Rae Jepsen]
  35. Futurama
  36. Gidget [Johnny Tillotson - (Wait 'Til You See) My Gidget]
  37. The Greatest American Hero
  38. Disney's Gummi Bears
  39. Gunsmoke
  40. Happy Days [alternate lyrics]
  41. Have Gun Will Travel
  42. Hawaii Five-0
  43. You can watch a documentary on the creation here!
  44. The Hogan Family [Roberta Flack - Together Through The Years]
  45. Hogan's Heroes
  46. I Dream of Jeannie
  47. I Love Lucy
  48. Joannie Loves Chachi
  49. Kim Possible
  50. Leave It To Beaver (The Toy Parade)
  51. The Love Boat
  52. Looney Tunes ["The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down"]
  53. Mad About You ["Final Frontier"]
  54. Makin' It
  55. Malcolm in the Middle
  56. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. [I need a source!]
  57. http://markssuperblog.blogspot.com/2012/04/man-from-uncle-theme-has-lyrics.html
  58. Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman
  59. The Mary Tyler Moore Show

    • First Season
    • Second Season
    • Joan Jett version, all three stanzas, third stanza rewritten
  60. M*A*S*H
  61. Maude
  62. Merrie Melodies [Merrily We Roll Along [I need a source!]
  63. https://www.discogs.com/Bugs-Bunny-With-Mitch-Miller-His-Orchestra-Merrily-We-Roll-Along-I-Taut-I-Taw-A-Puddy-Tat/release/2834101
    LT116: Billboard Frolics by dannyjmurray1 The first appearance in a Warner Brothers cartoon. Are these the original lyrics?
  64. Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug & Cat Noir
  65. Mr. Belvedere
  66. The Monkees
  67. Moonlighting
  68. Mork & Mindy [I need a source!]
  69. The Munsters
  70. My Favorite Martian [Are the words legit? Or added later?]
  71. My Living Doll [colorized, legitimate lyrics?]
  72. The Odd Couple
  73. \
  74. One Foot in the Grave
  75. One Saturday Morning
  76. Pee-wee's Playhouse
  77. Perfect Strangers
  78. Petticoat Junction
  79. Phineas and Ferb ["Today Is Gonna Be a Great Day"]
  80. Popeye
  81. Punky Brewster ["Every Time I Turn Around"]
  82. Rawhide
  83. Red Dwarf
  84. Silver Spoons ["Together"]
  85. Square Pegs
  86. Star Trek
  87. Stephen Universe
  88. TaleSpin
  89. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
    • Original theme (1987-1996)
  90. To Tell The Truth
  91. Welcome Back Kotter
  92. Who's The Boss? ["Brand New Life"]
  93. WKRP in Cincinnati
  94. Wonder Woman

Thursday, March 2, 2017

How I Maintain My Boyish Good Looks


1) A magical Polaroid photo is kept in a safe deposit box somewhere in the State of Iowa.

2) I slumber in a giant Tupperware container each night.


3) I use a special facial creme made of baby oil. (To answer your question: it takes four to make one ounce of oil.)


4) I found this cool meteorite/jewel on my grandfather's farm. I noticed something strange when the cows who licked it didn't age...


5) You know that Lazarus Pit? I have something similar, but it's a hot tub in the mountains, and requires a full moon, a meteor shower, a willing partner, and a bottle of champagne. (The champagne is optional.)


6) I have a twin who travels reallly slow
llllly through space in a Schrödinger box. I don't know if he's alive or dead, and he doesn't know if I'm alive or dead.


7) It's quite simple... you just need a particle accelerator, rubber bands, and a liquid lunch.


8) I have this ring... it's really cool, but I can only wear it once a year, for only a few minutes.


9) I once spent the night with a Japanese mermaid. I solved the Mermaid Problem for her, and she was quite grateful. (Ever since, I've had this thing for pickled ginger and sushi...)


10) There's this ritual involving the Konami Code...


11) I've mastered every cell of my body. As each cell stops dividing, it's replaced with a cancer cell, kept under strict control.

12) My soul jar is currently a plastic bag floating in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Eventually, it will be reduced to plastic dust particles which will be dispersed by ocean currents, making it very impervious to total destruction.

13) One word: "responsometer".

The exploded view of the blivet, which holds the FischerGriess compensator. 

14) I keep myself perpetually youthful by drinking the crushed spirits of frustrated gamers.

15) It's quite easy...just find a menstruating dragon.


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

#ForgottenTVLyrics: The Master List



The list (so far):
  1. The A*Team [full theme]
  2. Absolutely Fabulous
  3. Alfred Hitchcock Presents [Charles Gounod - Funeral March of a Marionette]
  4. Alice ["There's a New Girl in Town"]
  5. All in the Family
    • Full lyrics
    • A satirical version, aimed at the FCC!
    • All In The Family [closing theme]
    • All In The Family [closing theme with lyrics!]
  6. American Bandstand
  7. The Andy Griffith Show
  8. Angie ["Different Worlds"]
  9. Banacek
  10. Batman
  11. Baretta (Keep Your Eye on the Sparrow)
  12. Barnaby Jones
  13. Barney Miller
  14. Baywatch
    • Original theme ["Save Me" - Peter Cetera]
    • Syndication ["I'm Always Here"- Jimi Jamison]
    • Baywatch Hawaii "Let Me Be the One" written and performed by Carlos Villalobos, Glenn Medeiros and sung by Fiji.
    • Baywatch Nights [Alfonzo Blackwell - The Nights Will Never Be the Same]
  15. Beverly Hillbillies [The full music has a third stanza about Drysdale]
  16. Beverly Hills 90210
  17. Bewitched
  18. The Big Bang Theory
  19. The Bill Cosby Show ["Hikky Burr"]
  20. Bonanza
  21. Breaking Bad
  22. Buck Rogers in the 25th Century
  23. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
  24. Candid Camera (UK)
  25. The Carol Burnett Show Celebrity Sweepstakes
  26. Charlie's Angels
  27. Charmed [Love Spit Love - "How Soon is Now"]
  28. Checkmate
  29. Cheers
    • My Kind of People
    • Another Day
    • original demo
    • Final Version
    • Prost, Helmut! [The German version]
    • Cheers (Versión española)

  30. Chico and the Man
  31. Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers
  32. CHiPS [theme only, but a rockin' 12" version]
  33. Combat!
  34. Community
  35. The Cosby Show [Seven different versions]
  36. Dallas
  37. The Dating Game
  38. Davy Crockett
  39. The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd [full theme?]
  40. DC Superhero Girls
  41. Deadwood
  42. The Diamond Head Game
  43. The Dick Van Dyke Show
  44. Diff'rent Strokes
  45. Dr. Kildare
  46. Downton Abbey
  47. Duck Tales
  48. Duck Tales (2017)
  49. The Dukes of Hazzard
  50. Dynasty
  51. Ellen [Texas - So Called Friend]
  52. The Facts of Life
  53. The Fall Guy
  54. Family Feud
  55. Family Guy
  56. Family Matters ["As days go by" - Jesse Frederick
  57. Family Ties ["Without Us"]
  58. Fawlty Towers
  59. Felicity
  60. Fireball XL5
  61. Flo
  62. Forsyte Saga [Eric Coates - The Three Elizabeths Suite - Halcyon Days]
  63. Frasier ["Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs"]
  64. Friends [The Rembrandts - I'll Be There For You ]
  65. The Fugitive
  66. Full House
  67. Fuller House [Everywhere You Look - Carly Rae Jepsen]
  68. Funny Face / The Sandy Duncan Show [Need a source!]
  69. https://www.discogs.com/Jack-Jones-The-Kind-Of-Girl-She-Is/release/6913129
  70. Futurama
  71. Gidget [Johnny Tillotson - (Wait 'Til You See) My Gidget]
  72. Gilmore Girls [Carole King - "Where You Lead"]
  73. Good Times  https://www.discogs.com/Prime-Time-Good-Times-Theme/release/2156410 4:14 version ####
  74. The Golden Girls
  75. The Greatest American Hero
  76. Disney's Gummi Bears
  77. Gunsmoke
  78. Happy Days [alternate lyrics]
  79. Hart to Hart
  80. Have Gun Will Travel
  81. Hawaii Five-0
  82. HBO 1983 Intro
  83. You can watch a documentary on the creation here!
  84. Here Come the Brides ["Seattle" by Bobby Sherman]
  85. Hill Street Blues
  86. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy [The Eagles - Journey of the Sorcerer]
  87. The Hogan Family [Roberta Flack - Together Through The Years]
  88. Hogan's Heroes
  89. The Honeymooners ["You're My Greatest Love"]
  90. Hotel
  91. House

    • "Teardrop" by Massive Attack (U.S.)
    • "House" by Scott Donaldson and Richard Nolan (Europe)
    • "House, M.D. Main Theme" by Jon Ehrlich and Leigh Roberts (Singapore and Netflix) ####
  92. Howdy Doody
  93. I Dream of Jeannie
  94. I Love Lucy
  95. I Spy
  96. The Incredible Hulk: The Lonely Man Theme
  97. Ironsides
  98. It Takes A Thief
  99. Jeopardy!

    • 1964-1975 "Take Ten" by Julann Griffin ####
    • 1984-1991
    • 1991-1997
    • 1997-2001
    • 2001-2008
    • 2008-Present
  100. Joannie Loves Chachi
  101. The Joker's Wild
  102. Kim Possible
  103. Knot's Landing ###
  104. Kojak (Second theme)
  105. Kojak (First theme)
  106. Kojak (Third theme-Fifth Season)
  107. L. A. Law
  108. Land of the Giants
  109. Laugh-In
  110. Laverne & Shirley (Making Our Dreams Come True)
  111. Law and Order
  112. The Lawrence Welk Show
  113. Leave It To Beaver (The Toy Parade)
  114. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
  115. http://www.classicthemes.com/50sTVThemes/themePages/lifestylesRichFamous.html
  116. Living Dolls [Who's The Boss spin-off]
  117. The Love Boat
  118. Looney Tunes ["The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down"]
  119. Lost In Space
  120. M Squad [Count Bassie!]
  121. Mad About You ["Final Frontier"]
  122. Mad Men
  123. The Magician
  124. Magnum, P.I.
  125. Makin' It
  126. Malcolm in the Middle
  127. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. [I need a source!]
  128. http://markssuperblog.blogspot.com/2012/04/man-from-uncle-theme-has-lyrics.html
  129. Mannix
  130. Marcus Welby, M.D.
  131. Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman
  132. The Mary Tyler Moore Show

    • First Season
    • Second Season
    • Joan Jett version, all three stanzas, third stanza rewritten


  133. M*A*S*H
  134. Masterpiece Theater [Rondeau from Sinfonies de Fanfares - Suite de Symphonies - Jean-Joseph Mouret]
  135. Maude
  136. Merrie Melodies [Merrily We Roll Along [I need a source!]
  137. https://www.discogs.com/Bugs-Bunny-With-Mitch-Miller-His-Orchestra-Merrily-We-Roll-Along-I-Taut-I-Taw-A-Puddy-Tat/release/2834101
    LT116: Billboard Frolics by dannyjmurray1 The first appearance in a Warner Brothers cartoon. Are these the original lyrics?
  138. Miami Vice
  139. Millennium
  140. Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug & Cat Noir
  141. Mission: Impossible
  142. Mr. Belvedere
  143. Mister Lucky
  144. The Mod Squad [cover]
  145. The Monkees
  146. Moonlighting
  147. The Munsters
  148. My Favorite Martian [Are the words legit? Or added later?]
  149. My Living Doll [colorized, legitimate lyrics?]
  150. The Naked City

    • "This is the Naked City" by George Duning (1958-59)
    • "Somewhere in the Night" by Billy May (1960-62)
    • "The {New} Naked City Theme" by Nelson Riddle (1962-63)
  151. Name of the Game
  152. NBC Mystery Movie
  153. NBC Nightly News [John Williams - "The Mission"]
  154. NCIS
  155. Newhart###
  156. Newlywed Game
  157. Night Court
  158. Now You See It ["Chump Change" by Quincy Jones]
  159. NYPD Blue
  160. The Odd Couple
  161. \
  162. One Foot in the Grave
  163. One Life To Live [1984-1991, Peabo Bryson]
  164. One Life to Live ["Brand New Start"]
  165. One Saturday Morning
  166. Once and Again
  167. Pee-wee's Playhouse
  168. Peter Gunn 

    • Original theme
    • ["Bye-Bye", lyrics added later]
  169. Perfect Strangers
  170. Petticoat Junction
  171. Phineas and Ferb ["Today Is Gonna Be a Great Day"]
  172. Playboy After Dark ["Playboy's Theme"]
  173. Popeye
  174. Punky Brewster ["Every Time I Turn Around"]
  175. Rawhide
  176. Red Dwarf
  177. Remington Steele
  178. The Ren & Stimpy Show
  179. Renegade
  180. Richie Brockelman, Private Eye
  181. Riptide
  182. The Rockford Files
  183. Roseanne
  184. Route 66

    • original theme
    • Lyrics added later

  185. St. Elsewhere
  186. Sanford & Son ["The Streetbeater"]
  187. Saturday Night Live - Closing Theme (A Waltz in A)
  188. Seinfeld
  189. Sesamstrasse [German]
    • Opening
    • Closing [One of my fave beats! Those horns!]
  190. Sesame Street

    • Opening
    • Closing
    • ...and the "funky chimes"!

  191. Silk Stalkings
  192. Silver Spoons ["Together"]
  193. Simon & Simon
  194. Six Million Dollar Man ["Wine Women and War"]
  195. Smallville [Remy Zero - Save Me]
  196. Soap
  197. The Sopranos [Alabama 3 - Woke Up This Morning (Chosen One)]
  198. Space 1999
  199. Square Pegs
  200. Star Trek
  201. Star Trek: The Next Generation [originally from "Star Trek: The Motion Picture"]
  202. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
  203. Star Trek: Voyager
  204. Star Trek: Enterprise
  205. The Streets of San Francisco
  206. Stephen Universe
  207. S.W.A.T.
  208. TaleSpin
  209. Taxi ["Angela"]
  210. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
    • Original theme (1987-1996)
    • 2003-2009
    • 2012-present
  211. Texas Wheelers [John Prine - Illegal Smile]
  212. That 70s Show [Big Star - In the Street 1972]
  213. thirtysomething
  214. Tic Tac Dough
  215. The Time Tunnel
  216. To Tell The Truth
  217. The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson

    • Toot Sweet
    • It's Really Love
    • Johnny's Theme
  218. 21 Jump Street
  219. Vega$
  220. The Waltons
  221. Welcome Back Kotter
  222. What's Happening!!
  223. Wheel of Fortune Theme 1975-1983
  224. White Shadow
  225. Who's The Boss? ["Brand New Life"]
  226. Wild Wild West
  227. The Wizard of Odds
  228. WKRP in Cincinnati
  229. Wonder Woman
  230. X-Files
  231. "The Young and the Restless" (Nadia's Theme)
-----------------------------------------------------------
Future reference


  • The Untouchables [theme only]


  • The Rogues [by Nelson Riddle]


  • Tic Tac Dough (1990 version)

  • Ripley's Believe It or Not [by Henry Mancini]
  • Game Shows!  https://www.discogs.com/Various-Classic-TV-Game-Show-Themes/release/487454
  • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pete_Rugolo#Film_and_TV_Scores
  • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Conti#Other_film_and_television_credits
  • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerrold_Immel
  • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_DeBenedictis
  • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Post
  • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Conlan
  • John Williams (NBC News, Olympics, Amazing Stories)
  • https://www.discogs.com/Prime-Time-Good-Times-Theme/release/624111 disco versions of Good Times and Soul Train?
  • https://www.discogs.com/Prime-Time-Motown-Presents-Prime-Time-Performing-TV-Themes-The-Way-You-Like-To-Hear-Them/release/1677555

  • John Williams
  • NBC Sunday Night Football[5]
  • Amazing Stories
  • Checkmate (TV series)
  • Land of the Giants
  • Lost in Space
  • The Time Tunnel
  • The Tammy Grimes Show[6]
  • The theme for Great Performances
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primetime_Emmy_Award_for_Outstanding_Main_Title_Theme_Music
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Top-rated_United_States_television_programs_by_season
  • https://www.discogs.com/Chuck-Barris-Themes-From-TV-Game-Shows/release/493124
  • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wagon_Train#Theme_music