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Thursday, March 2, 2017

How I Maintain My Boyish Good Looks

1) A magical Polaroid photo is kept in a safe deposit box somewhere in the State of Iowa.

2) I slumber in a giant Tupperware container each night.

3) I use a special facial creme made of baby oil. (To answer your question: it takes four to make one ounce of oil.)

4) I found this cool meteorite/jewel on my grandfather's farm. I noticed something strange when the cows who licked it didn't age...

5) You know that Lazarus Pit? I have something similar, but it's a hot tub in the mountains, and requires a full moon, a meteor shower, a willing partner, and a bottle of champagne. (The champagne is optional.)

6) I have a twin who travels reallly slow
llllly through space in a Schrödinger box. I don't know if he's alive or dead, and he doesn't know if I'm alive or dead.

7) It's quite simple... you just need a particle accelerator, rubber bands, and a liquid lunch.

8) I have this ring... it's really cool, but I can only wear it once a year, for only a few minutes.

9) I once spent the night with a Japanese mermaid. I solved the Mermaid Problem for her, and she was quite grateful. (Ever since, I've had this thing for pickled ginger and sushi...)

10) There's this ritual involving the Konami Code...

11) I've mastered every cell of my body. As each cell stops dividing, it's replaced with a cancer cell, kept under strict control.

12) My soul jar is currently a plastic bag floating in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Eventually, it will be reduced to plastic dust particles which will be dispersed by ocean currents, making it very impervious to total destruction.

13) One word: "responsometer".

The exploded view of the blivet, which holds the FischerGriess compensator. 

14) I keep myself perpetually youthful by drinking the crushed spirits of frustrated gamers.

15) It's quite easy...just find a menstruating dragon.

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