Monday, October 1, 2012

Top Ten Nineteen Reasons Why I am Wearing Sunglasses In the Office

19. New York Penal Law 240.35(4) prohibits the wearing of masks, so I'm using sunglasses instead.

18. I'm bucking for a Section Eight.

17. They're not sunglasses, they're x-ray specs. But I can't see x-rays...

16. Rough night (see #4)

15. If I act incognito, perhaps someone will mistake me for a celebrity.

14. I'm in mourning for my lost mouse Finklestein. *sniffle*

13. I'm hiding the shiner I got fighting a horde of Nazi zombie ninja sharks in Asbury Park.

12. I'm testing my Huey Lewis cosplay outfit before the New York Comic Con next week.

11. I'm field testing the next iteration of Google Glass. That's a cute belly button. Are you aware that a dating profile you created in high school is still active? And has 153 unread messages, 17 from last month alone? Your fanfiction 'ships aren't bad, but your slash needs a bit more spice. Hey, where are you going...?

10. I'm on a mission from God.

9. I lost one of the contacts which camouflage my reptilian irises.

8. I underwent a cyborg implant during the weekend, and the sensors need to adjust and calibrate before going online.

7. Sunglasses, what sunglasses?

6. “Wooo. It's like a drug. Wearing these glasses gets you high, but you come down hard.” (I hope you have some bubblegum…)

5. These are Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses. They go completely dark at any hint of peril, allowing me to develop a relaxed attitude towards danger.

4. I’m avoiding my fifteen minutes of infamy. If anyone asks, that was someone else.

3. It’s time for my midlife crisis, so I’m reliving the 80s. I’ll rent a convertible after work, date a woman half my age, and sing bad karaoke.

2. All New Yorkers avoid eye contact, as well as practice detachment from society. I’m just taking that to the logical extreme with sunglasses.

1. I broke my eyeglasses. (How? That’s the next “Top Ten” list.)?