All the Wrong Reasons to Become a Librarian

A tip of the hat to the Library Think Tank - #ALATT on Facebook! 

1.The male:female student ratio was highest in those college classes.
(Except for my Modern Dance PE class. I was one of two men.)

2. Because smart women in glasses are my kryptonite.

3. Mister Rogers hero worship.
(Where else can you wear Chucks and a cardigan to work?)

4. Free access to the photocopier, and no lines.

5. It was the easiest way to get access to the restricted stacks.

6. Because the reference interview is the Socratic Method without the hemlock.

7. Two words: badge ribbons.

Source: https://lowcountryafricana.com/rootstech-wrap-couldnt-attend-check-highlights-online/

8. A predilection for rubber stamps.

9. I'm working off my overdue fines.

10. So I can be first on the holds list when the new Dog Man graphic novel hits the shelves.

11. I'm a pathological introvert, and this seemed like the perfect job to avoid interacting with other people.

You Always Hurt the Ones You Love (or, The Receiving Line Forms to the Left)

1) How hard?

2) Slap? For $1 Million? 
What do I get for a good solid punch?

3) Which part of the body?

4) What do I get for a poke? Rat tail? Tickling? 
Do I get a bonus if they wet themselves while being tickled?

5) Do I have to share the $1 Million with them?

6) Do they get to reciprocate?

7) Do I get less money if they enjoy it?

8) May I use... a herring?

9) Can I put it on YouTube and make money from advertising?

10) Only if I can kiss it and make it better afterwards.

Top Ten Reasons to Wear a Turtleneck Top

Top Ten reasons to wear a turtle neck:

10. Your Nehru jacket is being dry-cleaned.

9. To hide your tattoo sleeves when being interviewed for a teaching position involving impressionable youngsters.

8. To hide the hickeys on your neck, arms, shoulders, and more embarrassing areas.

7. Because they are almost as sexy as cashmere sweaters (sexier if it's an actual dress), more form fitting, and easier to wash.

6. Because, in cold weather, you can unroll the neck and use it as a muffler.

5. It's a utilitarian piece of clothing, suitable for fancy dress as well as casual.

4. They come in a variety of colors and textures. If that's too boring, they can be tie-dyed and still look cool.

3. Because it's fun to tell non-Aussies you like wearing skivvies in public! But not with thongs.

2. Add glasses to a black turtleneck, and people will think you are intelligent, and invite you on talk shows.

1. Pair a black turtleneck with black trousers, and you're an art student, a stagehand, a cat burglar, a beat poet, Steve Jobs, Audrey Hepburn...

Reaction Shots: Dog Kit

1. Do NOT attempt this yoga pose.

2. Ikea's new line of household pets, Løbo

3. I wonder what he's dreaming about. 

4. "Man! That was an awesome fireworks display! Hey, where's Rex?" 

5. The Thing cosplay. 

6. I will name him Collagen, and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him... 

7.The kids wanted a dog for Christmas, but I waited until Christmas Eve before assembling. 

8. I wanted to call him "Wrecks", but my girlfriend suggested "Stay". 

9. Oops! The DNA is supposed to spiral to the RIGHT. 

10. Honey! I told you that dog kennel was too small!

11. When you feed your dog too much protein.

Top Ten List: Ways to Greet Your Boss

This morning at work, on my way to get my first cup of tea for the day, I happened to pass my boss' boss (the department director), chatting with one of our masters of marketing.

What I heard, obliquely, was her talking about how others addressed her. Thinking quickly, I reverted to Polite Mode (which, of course, I rarely use, since she's a great boss, and we're all rather informal in our department).

"Good morning, Ms. Allen," I said with a grin.

But then, as I waited for my tea to steep, I began to think... what could I have said? Thus, this list.

I'm posting this here, because that little voice inside my head thought this could be taken the right way, and why tempt the Fates of HR?

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10.  "Yessir, Ms. Allen, SIR!" (clicks heels and salutes sharply)

9.  "Good Morning, Ms. Allen. I reserved a private table for your 1 PM lunch with Mr. Frankson at L'Arrogant Parisienne. I sent an email to your private account containing numerous embarrassing Facebook posts, as well as photos hacked from the Epsilon Aleph Zayn iCloud account, in case the conversation lags. Also, “Droobles” Frankson has an extreme allergy to licorice. Remember to look shocked and concerned if any law enforcement agents appear to speak with Mr. Frankson."

8.  "How ‘bout them Mets?"

7.  (Halts suddenly. Look of panic and shock. Smile suddenly. Back away slowly, maintaining smile and eye contact.)

6.  "Yeah, yeah, whatever."

5.  (We perform the “secret cheerleader handshake”, which involves elbow bumbs, jazzhands, and spirited doggerel.)

4.  "Heghlu’meHQaQ jajvam." / "  "

3.  "Hi, I’m Sten. Have we met?"

2.  (Nods to boss, walks into breakroom whistling "The Internationale".)

1.  "Hey, Toots."

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Top Ten Nineteen Reasons Why I am Wearing Sunglasses In the Office

19. New York Penal Law 240.35(4) prohibits the wearing of masks, so I'm using sunglasses instead.

18. I'm bucking for a Section Eight.

17. They're not sunglasses, they're x-ray specs. But I can't see x-rays...

16. Rough night (see #4)

15. If I act incognito, perhaps someone will mistake me for a celebrity.

14. I'm in mourning for my lost mouse Finklestein. *sniffle*

13. I'm hiding the shiner I got fighting a horde of Nazi zombie ninja sharks in Asbury Park.

12. I'm testing my Huey Lewis cosplay outfit before the New York Comic Con next week.

11. I'm field testing the next iteration of Google Glass. That's a cute belly button. Are you aware that a dating profile you created in high school is still active? And has 153 unread messages, 17 from last month alone? Your fanfiction 'ships aren't bad, but your slash needs a bit more spice. Hey, where are you going...?

10. I'm on a mission from God.

9. I lost one of the contacts which camouflage my reptilian irises.

8. I underwent a cyborg implant during the weekend, and the sensors need to adjust and calibrate before going online.

7. Sunglasses, what sunglasses?

6. “Wooo. It's like a drug. Wearing these glasses gets you high, but you come down hard.” (I hope you have some bubblegum…)

5. These are Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses. They go completely dark at any hint of peril, allowing me to develop a relaxed attitude towards danger.

4. I’m avoiding my fifteen minutes of infamy. If anyone asks, that was someone else.

3. It’s time for my midlife crisis, so I’m reliving the 80s. I’ll rent a convertible after work, date a woman half my age, and sing bad karaoke.

2. All New Yorkers avoid eye contact, as well as practice detachment from society. I’m just taking that to the logical extreme with sunglasses.

1. I broke my eyeglasses. (How? That’s the next “Top Ten” list.)?

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Tweet, Tweet, Tweetledee

I realize I could just set up a Twitter feeder, however:

1) I earn microcents everytime someone visits, and those add up. (A microcent bears the image of Herbert Hoover on the obverse, with a picture of Hoover Dam on the reverse. The trickle of water released compared to the amount in Lake Mead is symbolic of the value of microcents.)

2) While I could have millions of mindless minions and a bevy of busty beauties at my beck and call, that sort of thing usually Ends Badly. Although, I would be cool enough to offer everyone Jell-O shots instead of Kool-Aid.

3) Unlike Facebook and MySpace (Hola, Ceci), no sensuous woman has "encouraged" me to set up a Twitter account.

4) Twitter does not handle pictures. Also, I like to know what the link is I'm clicking. As seen with the recent GOP URL truncator, a bit.ly link can lead to a site showing chimpanzees fornicating in a vat of banana pudding. Or Sarah Palin talking about Alaska seceding from the U.S.

5) I don't need an account. I can voyeur other people's feeds when necessary.

6) I suspect Twitter does not archive remarks, or that Google searching uncovers them.

7) If I joined Twitter, the Cool Kids would mock me, causing me to wear a black trenchcoat and listen to Marilyn Manson records.

8) 140 characters... Do those 140 include foreign characters like umlauts, cedillas, and Unicode? Or does Twitter only speak Amurikin?

9) Bold, italics, color, font, size, underline, embedded links?

10) Isn't your attention worth more than 140 characters?

And so it goes...