Saturday, June 17, 2017

You Always Hurt the Ones You Love (or, The Receiving Line Forms to the Left)

1) How hard?

2) Slap? For $1 Million? 

What do I get for a good solid punch?

3) Which part of the body?

4) What do I get for a poke? Rat tail? Tickling? 

Do I get a bonus if they wet themselves while being tickled?

5) Do I have to share the $1 Million with them?

6) Do they get to reciprocate?

7) Do I get less money if they enjoy it?

8) May I use... a herring?

9) Can I put it on YouTube and make money from advertising?

10) Only if I can kiss it and make it better afterwards.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Top Ten Reasons to Wear a Turtleneck Top

Top Ten reasons to wear a turtle neck:

10. Your Nehru jacket is being dry-cleaned.
9. To hide your tattoo sleeves when being interviewed for a teaching position involving impressionable youngsters.

8. To hide the hickeys on your neck, arms, shoulders, and more embarrassing areas.

7. Because they are almost as sexy as cashmere sweaters (sexier if it's an actual dress), more form fitting, and easier to wash.

6. Because, in cold weather, you can unroll the neck and use it as a muffler.

5. It's a utilitarian piece of clothing, suitable for fancy dress as well as casual.

4. They come in a variety of colors and textures. If that's too boring, they can be tie-dyed and still look cool.

3. Because it's fun to tell non-Aussies you like wearing skivvies in public! But not with thongs.

2. Add glasses to a black turtleneck, and people will think you are intelligent, and invite you on talk shows.

1. Pair a black turtleneck with black trousers, and you're an art student, a stagehand, a cat burglar, a beat poet, Steve Jobs, Audrey Hepburn...